I can still recall every detail of your face. Your big bright blue eyes and how they used to speak to me. The piercing in your right nostril, the mole on your left cheek. Your big stupid grin with your perfectly aligned teeth. Your squared jawline, and slightly upturned nose. I can see every detail so clearly. How your eyes speak a multitude of words, all on their own. I remember it all so vividly. The night your eyes spoke to me, “Don’t go. Please don’t leave. Stay. I need you here.” They spoke of sadness and desperation, the unwillingness to let me go, the uncertainty of what would become of us. They spoke of a million different ways you cared about me. They spoke of how they were afraid to lose me. Now… I don’t know what your eyes speak anymore. They remain silent, and desolate, unto me.
And I probably would have given up already, Lord, if it weren’t for those dreams. And I’m so conflicted with the things everything is telling me. The entire universe is sending me mixed signals. But, I’m that stupid girl, that, despite all odds, despite everything trying to hold me back, despite everything telling me no; will do it anyway. Because I’m afraid I’m supposed to give up, but I’m not ready to try. Not ready to give in. Just one last chance to look into your eyes. Because your life intertwines in too many ways with mine, to not give this one more try. It’s always in your eyes, and you can see it in mine. I’m not ready to give up yet. There are so many things I did and didn’t do over the years because I cared about you. You were always in my best interest, and I always thought about how things would affect you.
I will try, until I cannot try any longer.
There is too much here, in the past two years, to just let go.
Everything seems so desolate, like the leafless trees in the dead of winter, when there is no current contact. It’s like I’m waiting in the dark for just a spark of light. Your voice on repeat in my head, my eyes longing for yours to make contact with mine. The big grin you always give me when you see me is engraved into my mind, and your name carved deep into my heart. How foolish was I to allow this to come to a halt? I dug myself into this hole, now trying to make my way out and back into your heart. Your name was never one I tried to erase, like so many others before. You were always the constant, always permanent. Everything of yourself that you have given me, has painted my heart into a beautiful canvas, unlike the others who only left ugly stains which are slowly being washed out. That’s how I always knew you were supposed to be in my life, when God allowed you to paint me a beautiful picture, unmatched by anyone else other than He Himself. Now I can only attempt to paint with words what it is I feel for you, hoping my actions will be enough, shall I be given another chance. Our Father is still painting His masterpiece of my life, and it’s beauty, I await.
Months later, you realize it’s over. Facebook likes to throw that kind of shit directly in your face. You’re in shock, even though deep down, you knew this was coming. You ignored all the warning signs, because you didn’t want to believe it. You thought you’d finally found love, but it slipped through your fingers yet again. The waterworks won’t stop still another time. But I promise things will get better, no matter how hellish the next months are. And still, time continues on, whether you’re ready or not.
You awake, remembering what happened the night before. The tears comes rushing out again. You’re still in disbelief, so sure that he had been the one. There’s still so many thing you never said, and it’s killing you now more than ever that you didn’t say them when you had the chance. Every memory of every opportunity to do so, that you didn’t take, comes flooding back to you. Then the questions start to consume you, as every vivid memory leaves you asking why. “We were so good together. We never fought. Every moment we spent together was perfect. I’ve never had a connection with anyone like that. Our level of comfortability with each other was insane.” Where did it all go wrong? It eats you alive. This question will haunt you for months and months to come. You don’t want to believe any of this happened, and you don’t want to move on. You want to hold onto the hope that things aren’t really over. And time continues on.
It’s a vicious cycle. The gray clouds roll in and you can tell that something is wrong, but you don’t know what. The cold wind ruffles your hair and sends chills down your spine. Anxiety level rise, as you wait for the bad news to suddenly explode in your face. You still don’t know what though. The clouds grow darker and darker, and more vicious. You try so hard to hold back the tears. Your eyes burn, and the howling wind in your face doesn’t help. Finally, lightening breaks out from the clouds and flashes in your face. The loud, angry crash of thunder that follows yells. It tells you everything you were afraid of. And in that moment, you know. You can no longer hold back the tears that rush down your face like a floodgate as the rain starts to pour. “He doesn’t love me anymore.” And you know then, that you’ve lost it all. You’ve lost the only one you ever cared to truly love. Just like that, it’s done. The thunder roars as the rain smacks into your face. It’s as though life has just bitch slapped you and yelled, “See this? I can take away anyone that you ever loved. He never loved you in return. You’re such a fool.” As the storm slows down and dies away, you’re left with the realization that everything that made you happy had died away as well, just in a matter of moments. The unanswered text, the silence that screamed everything you were afraid to hear. But, time moves on.
Just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you’re lonely. And I’m more lonely when I want someone than I am when I’m alone. The capacity of my paranoia to debilitate me is what drives me crazy. I can never leave my past in the past, because it all ends the same. A million knives in my back, these demons consume me. I’m overtaken at night, when there’s no distractions against what I know is going on inside me. My mind is not my own in these times, and the art of regaining myself is something I still haven’t mastered. The demons take control of every last living cell that makes me tangible. This is why I can’t have nice things, the only things that really matter. Like the venom of a spider in the body of it’s prey, I am left numb, unable to move, unable to remove the things that haunt me from my brain. The poison flows through my veins, until there is nothing I can do. I am left there numb, and dead inside, consumed by these thoughts. Demons crawl into my skin, making me into something I will never understand. I snap out of it, but it never lasts long. I’m never strong enough to overcome these things on my own. I pray to God that He save me, because I can’t do this by myself. If ever there is someone who can break me of these habits, then I will be nothing short of the most blessed person the planet.
The search is never ending, tiring, exhausting. Just when you think you’ve found what you need, it slowly slips through your fingers, like the sand in an hourglass when time is running out. And it seems as though time is always running out. But you never really know. And the blessing of true love is rare and fleeting, it floats away as easily as it floats in. You’d be lucky to even grasp it for a few mere seconds. Loving can extract so much from your very being. It’s extremely taxing, especially when affections are not returned. There is no worse feeling, and it rattles the bones, and pulls apart everything that holds one together. Every time, a small bit of oneself is lost and given away.
Investing oneself into another is perhaps the most frightening thing one can do.
The times have passed, and so I see how different things are without the you and me.
I go to these places that I’ve been before, but they aren’t the same without you anymore.
I drown in my sorrows because nothing’s the same, why am I forced to play this cruel game?
I close my eyes and try to envision how things had been before you made that hurtful decision.
Now I’m wrapped in the losses I was forced to take, but somehow I don’t believe that was my last break.
My mind dances around, how you had I had lost, but trust, will be found.
What if I told you I was falling for you? What if I said I’d never give you up?
Cause you’re all I really want, you’re all I really want anymore.
No one else matters, and this city is a bore. This place just isn’t home anymore.
My heart’s been left with you, and where the heart is, is where I call home. Here, I just feel so alone.
It always feels like you’re a million miles away. No wonder when I’m here I just sleep through day.
Because in my dreams I can be with you every second and every minute, but when I’m awake that time is finite.
So until the time comes that I can see your face everyday, I’ll stay here and dream my days away.
And no amount of medication in the world could stop these demons from invading my mind.
I swear I’ve heard it all, and then some. It’s hard to impress me nowadays. These aren’t your best efforts. These are things I’ve been told time and time again, so much that I’ve become immune to them. How are you supposed to stand out when you act just like the others? Someone make a real effort. Someone show me that I’m worth one.
You’re in the blood in my veins, and it’s driving me insane. My heart pumps you out and you fill me up. But all that just isn’t enough. I still want to feel your touch.
I can feel you in my bones. Makes me realize how much I feel alone. Please come back here and save me. I’m always wondering what we could be.
I shouldn’t entertain such thoughts. They only leave me torn apart.
I want to know the reasonings, I want to know the feelings. I’m driving myself mad with these thoughts in my head. It’s never a good thing when you let your thoughts consume you. These fallacies are miseries, but I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve, so long as you stay with me.
Let me in on your intentions, and lack of clear sentiments of affection. It’s quite unclear as to why I have been brought here. It’s rather unusual for me to have no idea what to expect of a situation, but I have been left baffled by this discreet creation. And no matter how much I hate the sun, the complete pitch black dark is not something to which I’m accustomed. I knew there wouldn’t be anything major, but I wasn’t expecting nothing, at all. These narcissistic tendencies always tell me what to believe, but they have been left completely speechless, unable to breathe. I dream away these days hoping things will become apparent, but for now I’m stuck here trying to read things as if I were incoherent. I’m afraid to make my way, without knowing what you would say. I’m afraid of making the wrong decision, something as dangerous as a head on collision. I pray that answers come my way, so that I may know which card to play. Oh please, let me in on your secrets dear. I need the reasoning behind these interactions to become clear.