I can still recall every detail of your face. Your big bright blue eyes and how they used to speak to me. The piercing in your right nostril, the mole on your left cheek. Your big stupid grin with your perfectly aligned teeth. Your squared jawline, and slightly upturned nose. I can see every detail so clearly. How your eyes speak a multitude of words, all on their own. I remember it all so vividly. The night your eyes spoke to me, “Don’t go. Please don’t leave. Stay. I need you here.” They spoke of sadness and desperation, the unwillingness to let me go, the uncertainty of what would become of us. They spoke of a million different ways you cared about me. They spoke of how they were afraid to lose me. Now… I don’t know what your eyes speak anymore. They remain silent, and desolate, unto me.
You stopped caring, so I stopped caring about myself and what I need to do for me. And that’s where I went wrong.
I went down an old road to a former “happiness.”
“You’re going to carry that weight.”
I have since the day I made that mistake.
I miss touring, hard.
I want to let the beauty of the landscapes consume me.
I miss waking up somewhere different every day, experiencing new places, new scenery, new people.
I miss the feeling of true contentedness, that which I haven’t felt since I was last on the road.
Appreciating all the which is around me, all the beauty in God’s creation.
I want to see it all again, and more.
And I probably would have given up already, Lord, if it weren’t for those dreams. And I’m so conflicted with the things everything is telling me. The entire universe is sending me mixed signals. But, I’m that stupid girl, that, despite all odds, despite everything trying to hold me back, despite everything telling me no; will do it anyway. Because I’m afraid I’m supposed to give up, but I’m not ready to try. Not ready to give in. Just one last chance to look into your eyes. Because your life intertwines in too many ways with mine, to not give this one more try. It’s always in your eyes, and you can see it in mine. I’m not ready to give up yet. There are so many things I did and didn’t do over the years because I cared about you. You were always in my best interest, and I always thought about how things would affect you.
I will try, until I cannot try any longer.
There is too much here, in the past two years, to just let go.
The entire universe is giving me mixed signals and I don’t know what the hell to do anymore.
It’s almost embarrassing telling people what I’m waiting for when I haven’t heard from you in weeks.
I can’t even give them a good reason for doing so anymore. Apart from the currently lonely words, “because I love him.”
It is upsetting to me everything that is going on. Our community is being poisoned, divided. Judgement and anger are far too common.
It really saddens me that it seems as though everyone has forgotten why we’re even here to begin with. I’m not sure what to do or what to say to remind everyone of this. We’re becoming what we never wanted to be.
I’ve experience some serious changes inside of myself over the past couple months. I’d become something I never wanted to be. It’s time I start making more changes, and grow up. I have so much I need to work on.
I need to learn how to be at peace with what my current situation is. To trust that things will work out the way they’re supposed to on God’s timing. I can’t do this all on my own.
None of us can.
Lord, we need You.
I need You.
Everything seems so desolate, like the leafless trees in the dead of winter, when there is no current contact. It’s like I’m waiting in the dark for just a spark of light. Your voice on repeat in my head, my eyes longing for yours to make contact with mine. The big grin you always give me when you see me is engraved into my mind, and your name carved deep into my heart. How foolish was I to allow this to come to a halt? I dug myself into this hole, now trying to make my way out and back into your heart. Your name was never one I tried to erase, like so many others before. You were always the constant, always permanent. Everything of yourself that you have given me, has painted my heart into a beautiful canvas, unlike the others who only left ugly stains which are slowly being washed out. That’s how I always knew you were supposed to be in my life, when God allowed you to paint me a beautiful picture, unmatched by anyone else other than He Himself. Now I can only attempt to paint with words what it is I feel for you, hoping my actions will be enough, shall I be given another chance. Our Father is still painting His masterpiece of my life, and it’s beauty, I await.
You’re always going to be more important than he ever was. You were always there. Always. He wasn’t. I kept you around. Usually I want nothing to do with people I end things with, but this was different. Now that I think about it, this was God preparing me, preparing me for what I needed to be to you. Because back then, I wasn’t what you deserved, I couldn’t have been what you needed. I was immature and not ready. I had to learn how to love, how to be close to someone again. Everything the first half of last year was just that, learning these skills over. Now I’m prepared, and more ready than ever.
A year ago to this very hour, I met who I soon after thought was my soulmate. I guess I was wrong though, and fate fell short this time. A year later though, and I’ve finally overcome this. It’s taken me a year, but I have. And I truly believe that things happen for a reason, and that I’ve got something even better coming to me in time. And though it’s oftentimes hard, I believe that God has for me what I really need.
“Don’t rush anything with her ‘cause she’s independent and does what she wants when she wants and people need to know not to fuck with that. Maddie is a free bird. Try to capture her and she will peck your face off.”
ME TO A FUCKING T. OMG