You were the one who finally managed to completely tear my walls down. All for nothing. Four months in, and you left me. I spoiled you rotten. All for nothing. You left me. I spent hundreds of dollars to be able to spend time with you. All for nothing. You left me. You stole my heart away. All for nothing. You left me, with my heart shattered into hundreds of pieces, and I’m still here picking them up.
Now my walls are higher than ever. And it’s the God awful truth, but I am lonely. So honestly legitimately lonely. This was my comeback. You were the one who showed me how to love again. And look how it ended.
All for nothing.
You left me.
I hate that I’m so sensitive to everything. I get overwhelmed, and angry, and anxious, and upset so easily. I blow things out of proportion in my mind. I hate being tied down. I’m too much of a free spirit, a vagabond if you will. And it’s really hard for me being tied down somewhere that’s hundreds of miles from where I want to be. But I guess sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make things work in the long run, and that is the hardest thing for me.
My tolerance for people has decreased a significant amount over the years. I’m so cynical. Going back to school is one of the hardest things I’ve done for this reason. Things are how they used to be from elementary through high school. I’m the studious one who’s always paying attention, and then everyone else who isn’t is always asking me question while I’m trying to learn for myself, questions they would know the answer to if they had been paying attention. Everyone wants to copy all my papers because I’m the one who knows what’s going on. I don’t have the tolerance for this anymore like I used to, which has made this ten times harder for me. This isn’t just fun and games. I mean yeah, it’s fun because I like what I’m doing and learning. But it’s not just about that. I’m trying to learn the skills I need, soak of the knowledge, and get out of here as fast as I can so I can actually start something I want to be doing. I can’t tolerate people wasting MY learning time by constantly asking me the stupidest of questions while I’m trying to pay attention and learn. I don’t know how I used to this, I really don’t.
I really shouldn’t be complaining so much either, because I am so much better off than so many people. I really need an attitude adjustment. I’m trying to work on it, I really am. I just want to be happy. I just want to be where makes me happy, be with who makes me happy, and this wait is honestly killing me.
And my empathetic ways are back. Once I realize how much someone means to me, it doesn’t take much for their mood to affect mine. It sucks. I just want everything to be perfect for them, I want to fix everything that’s upsetting them, or make it all go away. Sometimes I think I over-empathize, but I can’t help that, I’ve always been this way. As much as I say I hate humanity, I really do have a passion for people, especially those who are hurting and unhappy.
Sooo first day of work today went well. Like, so far, I’m not complaining about the job I have. It’s not bad at all. But.. It really fucking makes me miss being on the road. Makes me realize what I really love. Sheesh.
Next year, next year..
Forever And Always - Parachute
Sometimes I honestly think I’ll never find a love like this. For the first time in a very, very long time, I’m feeling legitimately lonely. I’m tired of being alone.